Taking Sarah for Her License

My 17 year old niece needed her license, her father isn't around, and my dad is 84... so again, the role of father fell into my lap. At my mother's instruction, I included her sister who is 13, and we headed out. Since I took my test nearly 24 years ago, I didn't know that once you have a permit, you don't need to take the written part of the test again... and apparently, neither did Sarah. Oh, and we didn't know you can take it and fail, no more that twice a day. This saga lasted more than one day...

the girls in the middle

i have two beautiful nieces, and i think the world of them.  just months ago the older one was in beauty pageant and needed to find someone with a convertible to drive her in a parade and she called me to drive her in my beat up old Jeep.  i couldn't have been happier - i was so nervous since the other convertibles were so nice, and my friend Amy even offered to let us do it in her red Audi but she wanted it to be in my '86 CJ.  i actually heard people from the crowd say things about how awesome the old Jeeps were!  she heard it too and loved it, it was great.

the younger one i recently ran into randomly walking to a friend's house after school as i sat outside on my friend's patio.  the two girls joined us for a bit and we hung out and had some laughs and after leaving my friend complimented her in so many ways.  her personality is nothing like her older sister, this one is the brainy one who likes to test people, her grades are awesome and i'm very proud of her.

proud of both really, they are children of divorce and times aren't always easy.  i don't get to see them a lot because they aren't my kids, but my sister lived with my parents for years after the divorce and still regularly unloads them over there so i probably see them more than most uncles.

my father has really been the male role model in their life, with me as a backup.  i take them to the father-daughter events, and at times i've had to be a little hard on them, etc.  i have no kids, but i think i do a good job when i do.

then, about 2 weeks ago, their mother started to lip off on my Facebook page.  i love my sister, but her insecurities drive her need to be heard so much that she doesn't seem to pay attention when she starts to act or rant.  i had made a post about people posting pics of their kids on that site, and how the pictures were not secured and any pervert could see them.  i followed up the post with my own comment stating clearly that my motivations for saying what i said were really to stop the congestive flow of pictures from everyone's kid having yet another first day of school.  my sister didn't bother to read that...

eager to shut down the big brother which always blocks her sun, she replied with rants about my being a hypocrite, then followed it up with more posts about how stupid my thoughts were because of the impossible effort needed to find the pics in question.  somewhere in the middle i tried to point out that people should read everything i said... but she continued.

finally, i'd had enough, and i defriended her.  my sister is notorious for problems on Facebook.  of the 106 friends we have in common there, i can't tell you the number of people who have come to me and apologized for having to block her, or the others who have just let her go.  are they friends or at least friendly to her?  sure, but she rants, and as shown here in this simple example she seems to rant without taking the time to be informed, and often she lets emotion guide her decision making.

and then she did, again...

this morning i was informed by my niece that her mother instructed her to block me on Facebook.  i'm sure she will have some excuse, something about my talking about drinking or some event i had pictures of being too wild... but the timing seems a little perfect that this happened right after i defriended her.

and, she's notorious for playing these games with my mother.  mom loves to see these girls and they are getting older and less likely to spend time with grandma.  when grandma isn't good to my sister, she finds other places to warehouse her kids, or she just leaves them at her boyfriend's house.  klassy huh?  yeah, not surprisingly, their mother is the kinda woman who brings her kids to sleep at the boyfriends house.  now with that option, she has the ability to exercise more controls.

my sister called me a few weeks ago asking me to watch her dog because my mother had complained about something so instead of bringing the girls and the dog over to stay with them while she traveled, she was going to warehouse one girl elsewhere and leave the dog with me.  uh, no.  i'm not going to help you play your game.

and now, i can't be friends with my nieces on Facebook.

i have (or had) someone in my life who lived through things like this after her parent's divorce, but i can't talk to her about it because sadly, she's now playing games with the people in her life as well.  i don't know who else i can get help or advice from.  her stories of the control games bordered on abusive in my mind and often made me wish i had ways to set her mother straight in her defense.  truly the brightest of her siblings, any time she chose her father over her mother in even the slightest way limitations were placed on her in regards to activities or tuition payments that simply weren't placed on her younger and less able sisters.  now she lives in a way where she keeps things a secret so as to not upset those who she wants love from, she tries to make everything appropriate, and cater to people.  she's such a beautiful person in so many ways, and often noticed her similarities to my niece... i now have my concerns that the games will have the same impact on my girls as they did her.

and i have no one to turn to otherwise.  i didnt grow up in a world where this was common place, i heard about it randomly, but to actually use a child as a method of retaliation?  to cause that child to learn that if someone annoys their parent they will get pulled from them?  to teach your children that they have to follow the master plan or be rejected and be forced to remove people and things from their lives which they may love and find important... who does that?  who makes up excuses instead of communicating and doesn't expect the results to be poor?

my friend Adam called my sister 'spineless', but its more than that.  and really, its not a battle i am prepared to fight... but i will fight for those girls.  but how do you fight a parent?  how do you tell your sibling with the insecurity complex that they could be wrong in how they are raising their kids?

ugh, this is killing me.  if it were anything else, i would walk away.

the early storm

I couldn't sleep last night, it was hot and my AC is broken and I'm the type of person who thinks that little things like AC shouldn't bother people.  I mean really, air conditioning is not 'normal' in the world as a whole people, and the thought that some of you simple can't handle life without it kinda makes a lot of you weak.

Of course I say that knowing that it was in some part a factor of my insomnia.  My bedside distractions (MacBook Air, Nexus One, the TV mounted on the end of the bed) were really the majority of the problem, that and all the tea I drank last night.

But now it's Sunday morning.  I was woken early by a weather alert that told me I had to move my old CJ-7 into the garage, and soon it will storm.  I love a good storm, I could sleep for days during a good storm, and yes it has the potential to jar me sometimes with crashing thunder and the loud cracks of flashing lightning - but overall, it awesome because in the end, it's totally worth it.

Also awesome is Alex.  Awesome Alex is a friend of mine who I recently reconnected with after nearly a decade apart.  I often want to refer to her as AA if I send something to her on Twitter, but ironically she's also sober and I know at one point was a part of Alcoholics Anonymous... so I'm afraid she'll misunderstand the reference.  She now has two kids, one is still going through the 'terrible twos' as the other is going to enter soon, and she is doing her best to be a better mom that isn't going to give in to a lot of the more common norms of today.  She's not going to have a nanny, she's not sticking them in daycare, she's not parking them in front of a TV (in fact, she's currently working on giving them as little TV as possible).  She is being hands-on.

I'm not talking about the weirdo moms that don't let their kids do anything, I've seen the pictures, these kids redefine 'active'.  But she's going old-school, she's working with them, she's trying to find new things to do with them instead of turning them over to someone else and letting them sit for hours with a glazed look on their face as they re-watch Toy Story for the 48th time.

And, she's fried!  It's a lot of work being a parent... there's a reason I'm not one.  Sometimes I'll read about her day online and it seems to be bliss, other days, it seems like she's going to pull out her hair.  

When I'm around my friend's kids I'm baffled, I will see them tell the child something and watch them ignore their parents, and there have been times when it's been a situation that could literally get deadly. I want to freak out on the child, but I know it's not my place, so I just sit there and get stressed wanting to yell at them and tell them to listen to their parents! I really have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to parenting, it's really for the better that I'm single in that respect.

I had a hand in raising my two nieces and they both realize that dealing with me is a zero tolerance situation. I have two, the princess & the terrorist. Sarah is the princess, my angel. Now 16 I recently taught her to drive. She isn't as difficult as her nickname would assume, in fact she's just about as easy going and giving as possible. Elizabeth however is another story... she wants to do things on her schedule (if she really wants to do anything at all), and I'm often on her to do as she's told, take care of things, not lose things, etc. Still, they both fry me out at times.

But now they are both teenagers, you can talk to them, they understand logic. They're both beautiful, and if you explain to them what's going on, they can grasp what and why and how things are going to work... and I love being around them.

Like the storm which is causing me to get drowsy as I lay here, it seems that kids are a chance to be amazed and jarred and frightened. But if you take a deep breath, and let yourself relax, the storm can bring you peace, and in the end you're much better off.

So keep your chin up Awesome Alex! I see your TV Challenge as an opportunity for you! On the surface, you're going to be so busy trying to find ways to keep that little boy busy that eventually you may even write a book: '1001 ways to give your toddler a creative outlet and keep them busy that won't destroy your house'... and if you use that title, I want a dedication, if only for irony's sake.

The last 8 years went by in a blink, the next 8 will go by even faster, and you'll miss these days someday... and like waking up after a storm, you know you'll feel better for them. Totally worth it.

family tied

This weekend is the Family Picnic for my mom's side... over 700 people. I've been asked to help out early in the morning, and it will be at the family farm so I'm going out there tonight, I'll crash there, get up early, my cousin will say mass, I'll spend all day eating stuff I shouldn't eat... and then I'll probably post the pictures in my WebAlbums, which the world will ignore, much like this blog.

I do love them all, they are so encouraging, and so positive in general.

My cousin however, won't be there this year... she's had to quit her job, and skip all other events because she is planning her wedding in Chicago. She recently asked me to be an usher. Of course, I said yes.

Later I received email sent to me and the other ushers, telling us where to stay and where to rent our tuxes... and that we were paying for everything ourselves. What? In my nearly 20 years of being in many weddings, no one has asked me to cover the tab on their party that they created the expense of. Is it a lot of money, no.... but I'm an actor who's been getting by on side jobs & the support of loved ones, if I wasn't already going to be in Chicago then, I probably wouldn't be able to go, much less cover the tux and the rumored night of drinking I'm hearing she expects her family guys to provide to the non-related members of the wedding party.

So, I told her I was out on the usher job... now I don't even know if I'll get an invitation to the event.

Someday, when I finally take that plunge I want it to be a picnic, where everyone can just hang out. Well, really, I think the idea of the old school Saturday night wedding where all the men have to wear tuxes (even guests) and the women have to be formal is really cool.... maybe a small one like that where no one feels like they're being pushed into an expensive thing (maybe if I could afford to cover all the tux rentals for the guests too), and then a picnic reception party the next day for 1000 of our closest.

I really don't think life has to be so formal, sure at times there are reasons, but I don't see a reason to force that formality on others. And I'm confused by weddings - I hear so often that a wedding is supposed to be this joyous party... but really, has anyone ever been to a formal event that wasn't a wedding? A corporate dinner, or a charity function? They are not joyous.

But, people are people. Confusion and rules and insecurity. OH! and I think I'd want the 'does anyone object' line in my wedding too - seriously, its old school, and I really don't think anyone has the balls to say anything.... plus, it would be totally fun for us to take a second to look out into the crowd and wait - ha.

Hmm... and I'd also want the REALLY old school 'obey' line added back into her vows, because really, I think we all know that whoever she is, she's going to rule my life and it won't matter.

tis the season

don’t let the face fool you - it wasn’t too bad.

i come from a huge family - i mean HUGE. my mother is one of 17 children. my father is one of four, but by the time i came around he was the only one left in town... so when i was young there was PLENTY to do around the holidays. since then things have changed a lot, the extended families have trimmed back a great deal due to the loss of grandparents and more spreading by the younger generations, so what used to be a series of dressy events where you saw 100 different people now boils down to a laid back dinner and watching my pre-teen nieces tear apart simple gifts.

and until now, i viewed all this as a hassle. and it was a long time ago... when i was young and just wanted to be with my friends, but now i miss seeing my cousins and aunts and grandmothers. i miss the big affair at my grandmother’s estate, the ocean of relatives, the spread, the two meals at the other grandmother’s house prepared in a fashion only my mother can currently replicate. and i know that some day i’ll miss seeing my youngest nieces hand out presents and go ballistic at candies and games. and most importantly, the simple joy my father finds in seeing his two grandchildren happy and around.

i had a good year... it wasn’t easy, but a lot of people didn’t get the year i had. they didn’t get to chase their dream, they had to work a lot and not get paid much and face the looming economic crisis worried about their kids or homes. i don’t know where my dreams will take me in 2009, and there was a lot of unhappy in 2008, but in the end, i’m still a very very lucky man.

-season’s greetings

thankfully getting a break

it’s been just over a year since i started to go to Chicago every week... it’s taking some kind of toll on me though i’m not sure what. well, financially for sure - anyone who’s going to try to leave ‘reality’ and start a career in acting has to support themselves with something. of course, that ‘something’ has to leave you the ability to go to auditions in the middle of the day, or sometimes in evenings, with a day or two of notice.... then if you get that part, you have to be able to take the time off (which could be a few days) to do that work.

yeah... so basically, i’m penniless. the woman in my life helps a lot, she more often than not covers meals and so on, and aside from giving me a great chance to prove that money is truly the basis of a relationship when she brings it up in a fight, it gives us a chance to spend some time together out & about when i’m not wasting her life away. i shouldn’t complain, i really am lucky to have her, and lucky she puts up with me. i’d have to say she’s probably tops on the list of things i’m thankful for this year.

a couple weeks ago i made the decision that i would try to do more with my time - which, includes this blog to some extent. part of that was to make sure i went to thanksgiving with the family, go early, gorge myself with food, not leave as soon as the meal was over, and spend some time with my nieces. mission accomplished. over the course of the day i stuffed myself with 3 of the plateloads you see above, it will probably be a week of starvation and cardio before i burn it down. but it was good to hang with the family, relax in the recliner next to the fire, and do nothing for a day without feeling like i’m a loser for having nothing to do.