i had a great day

i went to a wedding last night, two people i used to work with got married after years together.  spoon went with me, which i appreciate because she tolerates not knowing anyone and she has an odd shy side.  by the end of the night, we were both beat, and she dropped me off at home.

last night i slept like a rock, i love that about life, sleeping is awesome.  i sleep best when my diet is good, when i get up early, when i exercise, when i avoid booze, and when i keep busy during the day... preferably with things that involve movement.  its not really shocking, eating poorly irritates the body in many ways, as does booze, and movement & exercise by nature are tiring.

i didn't drink much last night, i ate properly, drank a lot of water, and got to see a lot of great old friends in person.  really, its the 'in person' aspect of life which defines it, we get so caught up in the image we portray online and all the people we act like we have relationships with.  i'm lucky in that people are hard on me, they say what they think of me in person... and thankfully, it isn't always pleasant.

so today, i got up and announced that i was going to get something to eat.  i got a reply to go to the festival of nations with a few people and we did.  we spent a few hours walking around and trying foreign foods - awesome.  after, we met a few of the guys at a local favorite restaurant.  they all split many pitchers, but i didn't really drink until one of them dropped a beer in front of me assuming i was in a bad mood.

some great conversation spawned from this, talk of life and how people felt and saw things.  more people joined us (some invited and some not), the conversation continued as we sat outside, and after 5 hours a few of us moved on to another location for dinner.

four of us were left, and we had a great dinner.  laughter and more conversation, and jokes about happenings in the past.  we talked about anything from women to cars to investments and dreams.  we talked about plans to travel, plans to get healthier, plans to do more things.  one guy recently dropped his facebook page, so we talked about that... and the impact of people spending too much time online, or being too focused on making it their social life, and one guy who has once again has convinced many of the women that he's gay because of who he follows on twitter, ha (i purposely didn't touch that one, i'm tired of being blamed for people talking about that).

and the food was awesome, simple... not the healthiest, but fitting.  for the day, we had all stuffed ourselves.  everything was out on the table, for the day each one of us had talked about accomplishments and failures, pride and issues of complete embarrassment.  and really, thats where we showed the best part of ourselves... our ability to admit flaws and personal beliefs, and accept it ourselves and in each other and let go.

i dont mean to sound like some kinda weepy extra from Oprah, but there was just no bullshit... it was awesome.  no drama.  basically, it was 'this is me, you all know this is me, if you have anything you're not sure of ask, i'll tell you the truth, and if you don't like it, fuck off, ha'.

and that was a big topic for a while - one of the guys is a major boy scout, he always carries himself well, and while he enjoys the company of persons who act the fool he is big on being 'respectable'... and he's not going to act that way only part of the time, he makes his own decisions - and if someone doesn't like it they can kiss off.  of course, he's got nothing to hide and some would argue they do... but then one could ask, why they have to hide it...

and, in the end, the night wound down, and we went to leave... where we found someone had lost a few boxes of rubber gloves in the street, and each car that drove by popped like it was driving over a sheet of packing material.  we stood and watched and had a laugh and ended our 12 hours out & about to go home.

it was just a good day, it was not planned AT ALL.  it was just a few texts, and a few calls, and the decision that it was better to let go and have a day hanging out with people than laying around at home or keeping to some set of scheduled but unimportant ritual activities.  it just happened.

let life happen people, be yourself, hide nothing, and let life happen.

what's your excuse for living a lie?

i just spent an hour and a half on the phone with a friend of mine in california who i havent talked to in a long time.  i enjoyed it because it gave me reason to walk randomly around the neighborhood and get some exercise while keeping my mind busy with a good conversation.  and of course, it was good to reconnect with her.

we covered a lot of issues in life, mainly the social ones, life, love, friendship, etc.  and really a relationship and a friendship lost.  in the end, it was a discussion of truth, and if people ever sit back and face the truth in themselves, or if they don't even acknowledge the lies.

if someone claims love, but doesn't understand it, is it a lie?  if they want it to be true, does that make it true?

in the end, we are all living our lives.  in the very end will the history that is each one of us.

its 3am and i am awake but thankfully tired.  i will try to get up for 8am mass and hopefully work out tomorrow.  my last few months have been a quandary of slow stagnate living and excuses.  i am unmarried, i have no children.  i am broke but fiscally conservative.  i am straight but socially liberal.  i don't go to mass on sundays but catholic.  i am educated but unemployed.  i believe in sexual freedom but opposed abortion.  i believe in family but don't want one any time soon.  i like the company of a woman but don't have a history of serious relationships.  i know what i want, but often hate to make choices.

everyone is a grey area in life and views and history and plenty of change.  i used to be fatter and thinner.  i used to have a job.  i used to work out more.  i used to be in a bad relationship.  i used to have a great girlfriend.  i used to party more.  i used to not smoke.  i used to go out with my friends more.

change happens, sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.  but do we embrace who we are?

sure, we like to embrace our good points - 'im a lawyer' or 'im on the board'.  and sometimes we try to embrace the things we think we should be proud of, which other people may not think are important  - 'im a type a woman' or 'im going out with a surgeon'.

but do we embrace the parts of ourselves which are flaws?  can we be proud of being a smoker in the past, or a recovering addict, or gaining weight and being too lazy to work it off?  can we be proud of things which some may look down on?  can we be proud of being gay or bisexual or having such tendencies?  can we be proud of having one or many abortions?  can we be proud of stints in jail or failed marriages abuse given or received?

for the last few weeks, the weather has been awesome... and i've been spending most of my free time in bed.  i don't know whats happened in the last few months, i have work to do and a house to clean, and a gym to visit.... but that's what i've been doing.

for the last few months i've been sleeping with a woman who is gorgeous, and in a relationship with someone else.  i don't hide any of it, i will tell anyone the story, but i know on some level that its wrong and my only 'excuse' is the fact that i should get a pass for not hiding anything.  on some level, its still wrong... but that's what (or really, who) i've been doing.

for the last few years i've been holding my life hostage to a dream, and its a dream that most people see as impossible that will require a great deal of effort on my part... that lately i've not been putting in.

for my entire life i've known a large group of people, and have held what most would consider to be a large circle of friends, but really, they're all a mess for their own reasons.

first and foremost, most of them probably can't lay out their truths for the public to see, they can't be proud of themselves.  and in the end, if they're caught in the reality that is themselves they get angry.  they avoid.  they change the subject.  they ignore it.  they get defensive.  they detag their fat pictures and act like they never dated that person or smoked that cigarette or acted in an embarrassing way.

so, can you stand naked?  are you willing to be yourself?  can you be someone who has same sex thoughts or slept with that fatty or smoked whatever you smoked?

how much of a person are you if you lead a perfect image now, but can't be true to who you really were then or are now?  and what's your excuse for hiding?  don't want your kids to know you smoked?  don't want your parents or coworkers to know you're gay?  don't want your friends to give you a hard time for something which in the end will be completely trivial... but you just can't handle it because... you're just that weak?

so after you read all of this - just do one thing!  simple ask yourself if you are really proud of your life!  if EVERY detail of your life and the way you live and your thoughts were published for the whole world, pope, parents, and peers to read - would you be ok with it?

i can safely say that i have not led a perfect life - something many will say... but i'm ok with every aspect of it being published.  are you?  if not, you're not really proud of your life or some aspect of it, and unless you're just not mentioning it, you may be covering it up.  a lie.  its dishonest.  of course, you won't want to be called dishonest because that will tarnish your image.  and you have a good reason, right?

so, what's your excuse.

why is it that so many perfect people will stand and say that others should never lie, then they hide so many aspect of themselves and their lives?

ladies call us women

so last night, Spoon and i went to an event for St. Cecilia's parish.  it was a great event at a nearby prep school where my mother bid on and won a basket of baby items for a friend of mine.  the parish is making a name for itself because it is riddled with poverty and was facing closure but has managed to turn their school into a place where nearly 100% of their students go on to private prep schools.  they do it, and some of their books are older than their students.  its an amazing thing.

it saddens me a little that some of these students are using books older than them, and an entire class of students can be given new books for a few thousand dollars - books that can be reused for years of students to come... yet, the people in my world choose to spend their money on new cars and hottubs.  but, to each their own i guess, it would be refreshing to think some of them would randomly show up at the doorstep of this school and just hand them a wad of cash and leave.

the event ended early, and i had a group of friends forming downtown that were heavily requesting my presence.  spoon changed and we went downtown.  we arrived at a little bar where a gal i know (Jenn) serves up drinks, and it seemed some of the people i knew there had been drinking for a while.  we were of course warmly received and the night moved on, but somewhere in the mix Jenn asked me what the new drama in my little crew was, and why...

i couldn't really explain it, again.  not in a way that seemed to make sense.  the conversation continued off and on while she giggled at us all, and laughed at how my guys, the 'men' in my world were really just forever a group of girls.  at each turn she made the point over and over again, and over time it got worse as comparisons were made to make the drama seem nearly Kardashian, and as others joined in the conversation the sexuality of some were again pointed out to be a lie.

and sadly, some of what she was pointing out had become normal for me.  the childish actions, the possessiveness, the sadly weak egos and insecurity that caused some of them to lash out or separate themselves alone or in groups.  and worse, as we age there seem to be some who use being an 'adult' as an excuse to do the same things they have done all along.  they peacock themselves and refuse to relax, but yet, the drama continues... they just can't relax and let go.

she laughed, she pointed out how some of them are embarrassed by their lives and disappear, or hide in what they think are valiant efforts only to appear odd or awkward or sexually confused or socially inept.  she pointed out the most successful were just as big a mess or worse than the ones who were practically homeless.  she laughed more and pointed out the ones who were obviously single by choice, and the ones who were single because they were never wrong or probably sexually confused, and examples of their resistance to change or women.  and worse, it was all facts.

i couldn't deny any of it.

so.... while i had a great night, with my beautiful gal and did a good thing, and saw great people... i was reminded that the people in my world are a mess.  and separating myself from them doesn't change them or me.  and as each of the ones who were there swung in and out of the conversation and briefly chimed in, they all agreed, they all pointed the same fingers, they all giggled at those standing just feet away at how bad they were.

i'm starting to realize that i should just accept, and unless they want to throw anger or problems at me, i'm just going to live and be happy with them while i work on myself.  because unlike them, i want to embrace the fact that i'm not perfect, i'm very flawed, and i can be better.

the first step will be improving my ability to accept the reality of me.

what i see...

its dark, i got a little talking down to today for not actually doing what i say im going to do - and it's true! there needs to be a major cleanup. i said i was going to it after my 39th birthday, and i've only gotten worse. i'm in a quandary. the people in my life are still great, but in a lot of ways a lot of us have gone through some fairly big changes in the last 3-4 years. actually, between the powerful drama and the economic downturn some awesome changes have occurred. i'm laying here thinking about my life and how i'm going to get through this, what little simple things are obvious needs for change. i'm laying here thinking about my old friends and the great things they want to do... or not do. i'm laying here and i'm thinking about my new friend... and how much i should put into having her in my life. or really how much i let too much impact it.

a few months ago i was still in my swing, i was getting up and going to mass and the gym, then just before my birthday i let myself slowly fall apart. my friends saw it, they hoped i was just in a phase, they were mostly there for me. it was around that time my new friend got into my life. after the last few months i'm at a loss as to what i can do to help improve things with us. things seem to stall... then spurt... then nothing but confusion then some huge sudden moment of connection that so few can understand. i want to believe that behind those deep sensitive eyes is a connection at least.

then - its gone. like the swing i was in.

my life is in a state of turmoil really, of all my friends i am in many ways the most free. i have no spouse, no kids, no steady office job, now i'm in a situation where i have to make a choice - as the Clash once said, 'should i stay or should i go' - and, should she? i've talked about it to others, and the general consensus it that is this a colossal mess. and its not about things or her or them - what do i need to do for me? i'm the most free, but i'm letting her and other minor details tie me down.

ok... tomorrow i'm going to swing for the gym - i want to get back into the old swing again. i need to get back to writing, i need to get back into being involved more, a play, production, something. babysteps. ill get up, and try to jar my mind and think about all the things i can do. ill think about something simple but time consuming, ill think about how to get some time to myself. i'll think about her, or when she's around me i look at her, and i see her and her hair, or how lean she is, how she can run, and how to get her out of the way if she's going to prove to be a problem. i need to not consider these things and think about me.

i want the best for me, i want to act and write... i'm good at it, i should do it. my friends have thought so. one even recently commented on how i write, i had the right impact on him without even realizing it, the misleading impact, the dramatic impact. i didn't even mean to have it happen, its just how i write. the truth is i wrote this whole blog for his benefit since he's one of two people who read this... and as he's reading this, sitting there, offended at some of the things i've said and misled him to think, he's just now realizing that i wrote this whole thing to make the point of how awesome it was to me that one word can make such an impact. that, and because i loved the idea of writing all this about the new friend in my life and how she's been laying on the floor next to my bed, but keeps getting up periodically and being the problem i spoke of throughout this whole post. yeah, the new friend i have been speaking of isn't even human, but my words make her powerful. words, are simple, they roll out of me dramatically without me even noticing and for years so many have enjoyed them without realizing their impact, and how much people want to buy into them.

and really, everything i've said here is true, but the interpretation is all in the spin. one thing for sure that i learned is that i still have the gift, right? as any acting/writing teacher will tell you - sure there's a reaction you want, but any reaction is good.

fans and friends

i went to the lake one morning, and made my usual check-ins from Foursquare and with it Twitter and Facebook.  and in that a handful of people started to make the usual comments about my life...  "enjoy your play time" and "must be nice" and so on.

i get that a lot, people make comments which at times seem encouraging and at other times seem like a cross between jealousy and an effort to be involved so they can watch.  this kinda bothered me.

i have a lot of people in my life, and i don't expect to see or talk to all of them often, but from a few i realized i ONLY heard from them at moments like this, our friendship was arm's length it seemed, but they felt they could comment away as if they still knew me well enough to do so.  the tweets started flying, and when i thought about it, the only person who i thought really knew me well enough on twitter to say these things wasn't commenting at all, but she had made comments like these in the past... and now couldn't, or wouldn't, because of reasons i can only suspect which in the end have landed us only able to be friends behind the scenes.

i was back on the road, and it hit me - while her reasons were kinda sad, overall a lot of these people were similar in that they liked the idea of my being their friend, but not really, they just liked having me out there at arm's length for whatever reason, and hoped i would keep myself there so they didn't have to put any effort in.  they were too busy, someone like me wouldn't understand, they had jobs and kids and other things to maintain.

really, its the maintenance of their illusion which is key.  i know plenty of people jobs and kids and active lives who manage to keep themselves rather social, but the people of that day... seem to not be able to do that, nor could they admit as to why.  let's face it, its embarrassing to say that you can't or won't reach out to others because of some situation you should be able to control.  you control what you do with your life, you control if your kids are well behaved, you control if your spouse can't trust you, you control your own views.

i was annoyed, and this has annoyed me before.  so i said it publicly, i tweeted back to all who were apparently listening that their responses  would be proven wrong, that i would turn myself around, put a 3 hour drive of effort in and come back to see who wanted to really get out and be social.  i didnt expect parents to show up, last minute sitters are hard to find... and i didnt expect someone to be there if they were scheduled to work somehow that night... and really, i didn't expect any of them to show up at all.

none of them responded.  as usual, people who like to make claims of maturity and proper behaviour tend to get really quiet when they are put to any social test, it seems the two are not compatible.  i'm starting to think such claims are really more defensive claims for the nervous panic the feel in the face of insecurity.

and then, i got home - i was headed to Pi in the Central West End, I made it publicly known....

i spent the first part of my night with Allyson and Christina, both gorgeous and professional.  Allyson is the founder and managing editor of Sauce Magazine as well as having her own media company, she's very busy... but she made it... and, she wanted me to contact her about some things and I totally dropped the ball until today, so I hope she forgives me.  Christina is an attorney, has her own boutique civil litigation firm, also very busy, and she also made it.  we were outside and tried to take pictures of power lines... with little success.  Maggie was there with her husband Alex, though they didn't bring their toddler but they wanted to get out and see people i assume.  Maggie does freelance work on top of being a mom and Alex is a rising star at Express Scripts, one of those guys who's been assigned not one but two cell phones because he's always working.  They both made it.

Amber was the star of the night, in town from LA for a week and i was happy to see her, and happy she reached out to me online.  I'm sure she has a lot to take care of while she's here since she's not been in town for nearly a year, but she made it.  Casee had just started back to school, she's a teacher, and under the pressure of meetings and planning sessions and so on, she made it.

we were outside, the weather wasn't too bad actually, and from the distance i saw a tall stunning beauty approaching - it was Erica.  she WAS scheduled to work that night as a reporter for our local CBS station - and did, a MU J-School grad, very well put together and proper, and on a set schedule.  But, she made it.

after a few hours, a few people had to leave, it was getting late and people did have to work and deal with children and it was 11pm.  i was left with Amber, Erica, and Casee.  we all made our way over to Mandarin where the ladies danced and i did my poor impersonation of dancing.  we sat outside on their third floor patio and met new people and had many laughs.  it wasn't a crazy night, it was a good night, and it wasn't a late night really.

one of them asked me what the story was with my attitude on people, and i attempted to explain how i had plenty of friends who i didn't really go out with but i talked to often, who would eventually make time for dinner or pick up a phone and call to check in.... and then there were others who just seemed to wait around for me to reach out to them or make the periodic comments on my life.

"well, they find you entertaining" it was explained to me.  and maybe they do.  after all, a lot of the people i was tweeting with have lives which are laced with settling down and settling on life and lots of talk but not a lot of effort.  i mentioned this, and pointed out how very lacking my effort is in life, and how i wished i put in a lot more at times.  "but you do, and you don't follow the plain and normal, which is why you are entertaining" i was handed back.

great, i'm entertaining, and i know a lot of people who don't seem to want to be around me a lot.  "well, they cant do what you do, they have lives and with it the mental blocks which created those lives, which is why they are fans of people who live like you".

ok, this sounds horrific, i've been told many times that people live through me - live through me!  my life is a mess!  none of the people i know would trade lives with me!  "and, really they can't, its not in them".

this still doesn't answer why they couldn't pick up a phone and call... i was driving back, they were all leaving work, i said it publicly that i wanted to hear from them.  why didn't they call or tweet or show up?  they act like they are my friends, what's the problem?

"well, maybe they're just your fans"

and in that, for the first time I truly realized how a person could be lonely at the top, how a person could be the most popular and miserable, how a person could be a star and have everything, and be depressed.

luckily, i am not one of those people.

each day a little crazier

remember when life was simple?

this kid my niece hangs out with told me his parents were being really mean to him because they cut him off from his computer. he's 15, and he's thinking of moving out. really?

i remember a time when my friends and i could get by on $30 worth of beer and gas for a long weekend, when we didn't worry about oil spills, credit ratings, car payments, or how we compared to our neighbors. when men weren't in a rush to have the best to show off, and women weren't in a rush to tie on to the man who had the best. when a good night could be had at nearly any location at any time of year, as long as you were with the right people.

i had one friend then who was wound really tight - ironically, he's the one who's generally most relaxed in my world now. now i have people who are so insistent on their pride that they are willing to do away with their entire group of friends to make a point, i know women who so want to fit in with their friends that they'll marry someone they're not that in to, i know men who will spend any amount of money to be a big deal... even if they don't have it, and haven't almost a million times over.

but again, i can't be the only one right - so maybe i'm the one who's wrong here. for what its worth, i do love them all. on some level, i know most of them will still be there for me, they still call to see how things are going if they havent seen me in person in a while, they still ask about my family and my dreams. not all of course, everyone knows someone who doesn't invest in others - they will claim they do, but they can give it up easily, so really, they didn't. my friends are those who invest, and wonder, and hope, and reach out.

i have the greatest friends in the world.